Tonight after misplacing your binky, I said "No big deal, right?. You're a big girl now" thinking that it would buy me enough time for me to find it without you freaking out. But instead your response was "I AM a big girl Mommy. No big deal" and then I left and waited. And waited. And checked on you. And waited. It took forever for you to fall asleep but you did. No tears. No freaking out. No NOTHING. Just look at that picture. No binky. Short sleeves (and no pants and socks). No milk before bed. NO MORE BABY.
It seems like every day is something new and Big Kid. It is the most bittersweet time in life right now. Do I want you to grow up and thrive? Realistically, of course. Emotionally NO!
That chubby, basically bald, little baby that needed me to rock her to sleep every night (multiple times a night) because her binky fell out is like another life time now. Now we jump in bed, tuck you in, and kiss you goodnight, tell a bedtime joke and That's it! CLEARLY TOMORROW YOU ARE STARTING HIGH SCHOOL!!!
Last month, you went to your first drop off party and because Dad took you and we didn't know ahead of time, I sat at home and worried. Because that's what I do. I worry and worry and worry that I'm worrying too much or about the wrong thing or worry that I'm not worried enough about one thing and should worry more about something else. What if you got hurt? What if you were being or felt ignored? What if you couldn't play with or sit next to Ashleigh? What if you got scared or someone hurt your feelings? What if someone was talking to you harshly or in a harsh tone? What if the pizza was too hot or the birthday song was too loud? OMG Dad didn't leave our phone number. What if they needed to call us right now and couldn't? I should have higher blood pressure.
BUT you had a BLAST. You told me about all the things you played on and with and how you had pizza and ice cream AND cake and how all your little school friends were there. And how you got this cool gift bucket. And how there were a few new friends were there. And of course you had fun because like you remind me every day you are a KID ("Asher's a baby, Mommy!") and SO Big. SO BIG! And it is so emotionally sad....
Soon you will go to school all day and my bubble of protection gets smaller and smaller and that is beyond scary so I'm just going to go to bed now. You are starting to randomly tell me that 1+2 = 3 and that 2+2=4, and get dressed all by yourself now, barely need me potty wise, and tell me that you are 4 and Asher is 2 so you are greater than him, and reminded me today that we are going to make a calendar so then you know when Sunday is (swimming day) because evidently at 4 you want to learn the days of the week. And it's all too soon. I'm going to go cuddle with Asher till I fall asleep and then wake up and hopefully he isn't 4 quite yet.
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