Newness

10 days ago, you got your glasses.  3 days ago we found out that starting in September you will be in the PM class at preschool (read no/later naps) and today you kissed your brother THREE times with a huge smile on your face.  You say things I've never heard you say EVERY SINGLE DAY.  That is so awesome that it clearly deserves capital letters.  You are now kissing and hugging everyone you love good bye and just becoming this new little person.

All this newness is boggling my mind and quite honestly stressing me out.  I don't do change well.  Not to get all psychological on you but when I was little, I had so much change that over time I started to dread it - even in small necessary doses.  I see change as scary and "the unknown".  A "place" where so many things can go wrong.  But like you and your brother tend to do, you are slowly teaching me to look at it differently.  I want you two to see change as exciting and a place where great positive things can happen.  Because they do.

In speech this week, Katie decided to change it up and decide that you two weren't going to do anything you usually do and when she first made this announcement, my chest tightened up.  I anticipated crying or unhappiness/resistance on your end.  So for at least the first 10 minutes, I waited for it.  IT.  I don't even know what IT was now.  But you totally loved doing all these new things. 

I dreaded and literally did not sleep the night before we got your glasses.  My chest tightened again with complete dread that you would hate them and cry.  I can't do the crying.  Quite honestly, it makes me cry.  But then you put them on and were like "Ok.  Whatever." and I was literally in awe all day long.  Still am.

AND then today!  Well, first off you didn't nap.  And you were totally adorable all day.  Now I don't know how you will sleep tonight so I'll get back to you on that.  BUT after we went to the park and came home waiting for dinner, you and Asher were sharing Dad's lap when he suggested you give Asher a kiss.  Now we have been suggesting that you kiss Asher for 16 months and NEVER have you even allowed him to touch you.  BUT then to everyone's surprise you just leaned over and kissed him.  THREE times!  (I was trying to capture it in a picture of course.  But you just kissed him so fast that I couldn't get the shot.  But I will don't worry).

All this to say that whether I like it or not, you are growing up right before my eyes and change is going to happen whether I want it to or not.  I just have to figure out how to enbrace the new without feeling such sadness for the old.  I mean I knew getting into this mommy thing that you and your brother were going to get older and not need me but I didn't realize that the not needing business was going to be so bittersweet and sometimes downright painful. 

I read this mommy blog and so fittingly she was talking about her kids growing up and her growing with them and while talking about all the small first milestones she wrote, "And I will weep each and every time (one goes by), but I know that the whole problem with this job is that if you do it right, they stop needing you. Shit."

My feelings likewise.